So, where do I begin?? I have never had a blog before and really my life isn't interesting enough to have one....but, I thought it would be neat for my family and friends who I don't see or talk to on an every day basis. Oh, and you can't criticize me for spelling or grammar :-) Well, you can, just don't tell me about it.
So, back in the fall of 2009 Kevin and I decided that it was time to expand our family. We were married in 2005 so we figured our time had come. We saw some of our friends get pregnant and have babies and my little baby ticker was going crazy! Kevin, not as much as me :-) So, before we knew it I had gotten pregnant. It was in the beginning of December that we found out. To see that little plus sign on a pregnancy test is something that I can't describe. I have imagined my whole life being a mom and now it was really happening. So, the next day I immediately told my parents, Kevin's parents, and all my girlfriends. To say I was excited was not even the right word. It was that times 1,000. We went on the next few weeks just blisfully happy. Even if I had a bad day at work or something went wrong, I just thought about that little miracle growing inside my stomach and it could put a smile on my face in an instant.
On Christmas morning we woke up at my parents and went to see a movie that afternoon. While I was sitting in the movie theatre I started getting these strange cramps that I hadn't felt before. I thought maybe it was just gas and that it would eventually go away. Well, they just kept getting worse and after the movie I noticed that there was a little spotting. I think my whole entire body went numb because I knew exactly what was happening. I am not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to babies and pregnancy but I think I know the basics. So, as we were leaving I whispered to my mom what was going on and she immediately started researching on her phone. Kevin didn't go with us to the movies so when we got home I told him what was going on and completely broke down. It doesn't take much for me to cry, just ask anyone that knows me well. I was just going to pretend like nothing was happening but the pain and everything else just continued to get worse. My mom insisted we go to the hospital to get checked out.
As we were driving there I just felt like I was in a dream. When I got pregnant nothing bad was supposed to happen to me. My mom did not have any issues with my brothers and I....I was supposed to be just like her. Unfortunately that was not the case. Once we got checked in, the doctor examined me and told me the words that I will never forget, "You had a miscarriage and lost the baby." I knew right then and there that my world would be changed forever. I have lost cats, dogs, fish, but never my own child that was growing inside my body. I felt like a piece of me died right there in that examining room. That sounds a little dramatic but until you are in the position, you just have no idea. Of course my world wasn't ending, but at that moment it sure felt like it.
From the point on I had to go and tell everyone the news that I thought I would never have to tell. Most people didn't know what to say(it isn't an easy conversation to have) and then most of my family and friends just cried with me and that oddly seemed the most comforting.
I was out of work for a little over a week and I think I put on a pretty good act of "being OK". But, deep down inside I kept asking God, "Why me?" I don't think I will ever understand why it happened but I can definitely say that I am a stronger person because of it. I did so much research on MC's and the possibility of being pregnant again. I really educated myself on it and I think that actually helped not thinking about why it happened to me. If that makes any sense at all.
So, I immediately wanted to start trying to get pregnant again. I didn't even want to wait for the 3 months(even though we did). Of course, my nieve self thought, "I got pregnant within a month before, obviously the same thing will happen again". WRONG! Although it didn't take as long as some people in my mind it felt like eternity. One of my best friends sister-in-law went through the same exact thing and she suggested that I talk to her. I thought it may be kind of strange because I had only met this person once and now I was going to be talking to her about the most traumatic this thus far in my life?!?!?! Well, before I could even send her an email she sent me one. It brought me to tears but was also very hopefuly. For the next few months we emailed back and forth and it was so comforting to talk to someone that understood every feeling that I had. She probably doesn't know what a blessing she was. So, we tried and tried every month and I was getting very frustrated. By the middle of summer I was starting to get very nervous because it had been 5 months(which isn't even that long) but I was getting impatient. I prayed every night about it - we just wanted to be blessed again with another baby.
So finally on August 1st, I felt that happiness that I had felt in the beginning of December. I saw that little plus sign and almost screamed out to Kevin(although I tried to contain myself). We both were so excited but also cautious at the same time. We didn't want to go through the same process again so we were very careful. We told our parents but that was it until I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I had not gotten that far the first time so that was definitely a milestone.
Telling the rest of my family and my friends was just as joyous(if not more) than the first time. Something about being pregnant makes everyone else just as excited for you. Such an amazing feeling!! So, to date I have had 1 ultrasound, heard the baby's heart beat twice, and have had 2 wonderful doctors appointments. Kevin and I feel so happy and blessed that words can't even describe. Our little bundle is due on April 12th and that seems so far away but I know it will fly by!!!
If you read all the way to here without falling asleep or navigating to another page I am super impressed!! I am by no means a writer(I am sure you have already decided that) but I just wanted to write it all down so I can have something to look back at. Also, this may give hope to other people out there having trouble trying to concieve. I know that some women have had a much harder time but no matter what your situation is, hope was always something I was seeking.
Thanks for reading and check back for updates on little mac!! Oh, we find out the sex on Nov 4th and YES, my parents, in-laws, and grandmother will all be there. Can you tell we are a little excited?!?!?!?!
Until next time.....I will leave you with our first picture of this little monkey....